Letter to my unborn child

My boyfriend and I would love to have a baby. I got pregnant once, but unfortunately I got a miscarriage. Therefore I wrote this letter, to write about my feelings and pain. Although the letter may be very personal, I hope my letter will help other people who experience the same feelings. 

Sweet Star,

I always call you Star because I don't know if you are a boy or a girl. I don't know where you are now. In my imagination you are in a place with other little children that didn't get a chance to come to this world. The knowledge that you could have been my baby really gave me a  hard time. I didn't even realize that you were growing inside of me. Of course I took some pregnancy tests, but the outcome of all of these tests was negative. Like they allready knew that you would not be born into this world. I felt really bad, I even felt guilty. Although I couldn't change a thing about it, I had a lot of dreams about me being the one who murdered you. I cried so many tears, in the end I didn't have any tears left. I felt empty.

Your dad also had a hard time dealing with it. He knows how it feels to lose a child and now we lost you too. He cried too, that's what I love about him. He is a tough guy, but he's not ashamed to cry. I would have been angry with him, if he hadn't been sad after what happened. But fortunately we were able to support each other.

I've been very upset with the doctor. He couldn't help me, because I wasn't officially registered yet. At that time, I still had some naïve hope that you could be saved. Of course this was wishful thinking, you were already gone. It was quite dangerous for my own health, if my uterus was not completely clean and empty, it might never be possible for me to have another child. Later on I went to the hospital and the doctors told me that you were indeed already gone, but my uterus was completely clean. A small bright spot in a very dark period in my life.

Dear Star, I miss you. Although I don't know you and never got the chance to know you. Still I miss you very much. Because you are a piece of me and a piece of your dad. I know you are in a special place and you are fine now. In a place where people take care of you and you are able to do whatever you want. I hope you don't know we exist, because I don't want you to be sad because we can't be together. We will meet one day, I'm sure. But it may take some time. This may sound weird, but it just wasn't our time yet.

Kisses and hugs from your mom and dad.

Sources: www.todio.nl